At times I am a complete mess. I can’t tell good from bad, bad from good, guilt and shame from blessing and joy. I need discernment. And it comes—for God is faithful. Then I usually begin to see that both good and bad have occurred, and I am somewhat able to separate them. But as I do I begin to become more and more aware of just how thin the rope I am walking. So thin it’s not even visible. So thin that for all practical purposes it’s not even there—it doesn’t exist. So after discernment comes a call, a begging, for more faith, more trust, more humility, more courage, more hope. For walking in thin air is not something I can ever get into this thick head.

Howard Hain  Oct. 13  2018

Middle of the night

The only thing darker is the quiet

September nights

Windows open

Screaming

Moaning

An occasional loud slap

Is someone being attacked?

Of course not

It’s a couple

She’s being killed

She’s giving birth

She’s coming

But what about the neighbors?

Will someone call the cops?

She’s so loud

We should all cover our ears

We shouldn’t be involved

How can she be so oblivious?

It’s wonderful.

Like children in the park

Screaming their hearts out

Not a care in the world

Not a moment of others ears

Not a second thought of others opinions

Only joy

Only release

Only death

Only life

Only coming and coming and coming

The entire neighborhood reclined in the afterglow

How could something so real just have happened?

Howard Hain  Oct. 18  2018

Breaking Free

—

(Prison Break/Jail Break)

—Jesus slipped away

—Peter in prison/released by an angel

—Paul in prison/earthquake

—Paul escapes in a basket

—

Like a Lion in a cage walking in circles.

—

I was so very scared.

—

The Lord wants me to walk in a very free manner. Everything—liturgy, worship, prayer—to the most stark degree, to the most minimal degree, done continually.

Howard Hain  Sept. 29  2018

Flap. Flap. Flap.

Higher. Higher. Higher.

Little eyes getting wider.

The only way back home is a continual flight forward.

Clouds. Thin air. Loss of atmospheric light.

Wings gain strength instead of tire.

Howard Hain   Sept. 29  2018

Saints not sinners

His holy people

—

I feel most at peace when I am in the city, among many people, at the Met, bright, clean, beautiful, a place full of interested people, families, travelers, explorers, vacationers, searching, looking, open, dressed better than normal, holding hands, laughing, discussing things normally not allotted time, life.

—

God always chooses life.

—

(Saint Lorenzo Ruiz, married man, martyr)

What if he just raised his hand and went back to his wife and children?

Would that make him any less of a martyr?

What if I raised my hand and went back to my wife and child?

Would that make me any less of a man?

—

I have a feeling that most of the men that left the priesthood, the seminaries (and the women in the convents as well) entered for the right reason, and that’s why they left, they left for the right reason.

—

You can’t discuss your mental health with the prison guards.

—

Break the cycle. Halt the rigor.

—

Why afraid to be paid? Prisoner isn’t. Hard labor. No pay. Bread and water.

—

Purity is so easily offended.

Innocence is so easily tarnished.

—

(Saint John of the Cross. Imprisoned by his brother priests for nine months.)

He saw the window and went for it. He made his decision. He escaped. He chose life. To live. So do I. I see the window and go for it. I make the decision. I escape. I choose life. To live.

—

I am free.

Howard Hain  Sept. 29  2018

Strange energy

Core of my being

Causing me to grunt

To commune like a caveman

But to walk upright

Humanism elevated to the primal degree

Raw data

Fight or flight

Flesh and Spirit

Spirit and Truth

Locusts and honey

Uncooked meat

The finest wine

By the bucket load

A single drop

From a tarnished chalice

Pure

Can’t be dirtied

As hard as they try

That pointy-eared bastard

Striking an innocent pose

He’s met his match

Superman in a long white robe

Chest afire

Heart engaged

Burning man

A funeral pyre

Ashes turned to ink

Tattoos for free

“John loves Mary”

For all to see

A caveman takes her into his home

Howard Hain   Sept. 26  2018

Identify it.

Fix it.

Move on.

Yes.

Rock.

Shatter stone.

Dream.

Reality.

Power.

Might.

Another sip of coffee.

Drive the kids to school.

Love at night.

Exercise.

Roar.

Scream in the car.

Sleep soundly.

Jump up to rescue a frightened cat.

Crush enemies.

Judge mercifully.

Open the window.

Hear the whistle.

Follow the sound.

Listen.

Speak.

Life.

Flex in the mirror.

See truth in your most undeveloped part.

Howard Hain  Sept. 25  2018

All the world the Inner Room.

The Inner Room set aflame.

Peace.

Renewal.

A fresh coat of paint.

A kneeling man hugging a tree.

Tourists all dressed the same.

A small shiny speck on a large gray carpet.

Masterpieces within spit’s reach.

All for a dollar.

All began with I’m afraid of nothing.

Howard Hain   Sept. 24  2018

The Robert Lehman Wing, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Why do I resist?

For years you’ve allowed me to be woken up

Perhaps it’s even you who shakes the bed?

Sit up straight

Open and read

Each and every time

A bright encounter

Yet my fear prefers to toss and turn

A boat tossed at sea

Afraid to board the dinghy

When in reality I’m tied to the dock

One small step and I’m on dry land.

Howard Hain   Sept. 23  2018

She is good

She is kind

She is strong

She perseveres

She is so very loyal

She has the face, the eyes, the demeanor of a storybook peasant about to become princess

She is royal

It’s too easy to say beautiful

She is good

She is true

She’s a woman

And not afraid to be.

———

O what a sight!

Thank You God!

Let me click the shutter of my eyes

Seal the image in my heart and mind

My soul expands

My little girl grows in wisdom

They are becoming friends

What else can a father ask?

She plays with scissors

She cuts out shapes

She arranges figures

Signs and symbols dance in her head

The cosmos a playground

Kindness a bench

The place between my arm and side

Her resting place.

———

He is tender

Incredibly soft

But not weak

Powerful in posture and prayer.

Howard Hain   Sept. 23  2018